Sometimes the beginning is worse than the end
by flawedperfectionx
Summary: “It's not enough,” she retorted. She noticed the pain looked in his facial, and tried not to feel bad about what she had told him. It wasn't something that she could just forget, the images forever displayed in her mind. NB


**Sometimes the beginning is far worse than the end**

**Characters: **Nate, Blair, Dan, Serena

**Pairings: **NBDS, {If you expected any less, then you're a moron}

**Summary:** "It's not enough," she retorted. She noticed the pain looked in his facial, and tried not to feel bad about what she had told him. It wasn't something that she could just forget, the images forever displayed in her mind.

**Author's note: **As you can see, this isn't exactly happy happy, like most of my fics. But I decided to take another try on things like this. I hope you enjoy it, :)

--

**About a week before**

She quivered as he entered, frown etched facial; her heart seemingly stopped for a brief moment at the sight of his ungodly presence. He took a step toward her, hands stuffed wrist-deep in his pockets, showing nothing but the black fabric of his coat. Her breathing evened out fairly, stepping toward him. "What are you doing here?"

"I missed you."

"It's not enough," she retorted. She noticed the pain looked in his facial, and tried not to feel bad about what she had told him. It wasn't something that she could just forget, the images forever displayed in her mind.

His hands spread across her face, feeling her tense under his uneasy touch, "don't forget, my love." He murmured. "Please."

She splattered her hands across his chest, looking up at him with red-rimmed eyes; "I could not," she whispered. "You're my life now."

And somehow, through the assurance of her words and the silence of everything else, he knew that eventually everything would settle down to be okay, and they would spend eternity in the presence of each other, where they both knew they belonged. It had been denial all along, and it would continue. This wasn't something either of them could merely forget, it was a mistake brought upon them both, and not just one. Everything had somehow concluded to the happening.

"Tell me you forgive me," his voice demanded.

"I.. I cannot."

"Why?" He glanced at her through hurt eyes, unable to compherend why she had made her decision so fast, without even a mere thought to the consequence.

"Because I can't, I'm sorry." She separated from him and sighed, settling on the couch without a word; the end of the discussion.

He stared at her for a few minutes, then stepped out of the way, pressing a kiss to her forehead as he left, hearing her heaving tears as soon as his presence in the room had been forgotten.

_--_

He tensed as soon as he heard the song: "the man who could not be moved," pour into his eardrums. While trying to do his paper for world geography, he'd found himself turning the dials on the old radio his father had given him as a child. It was the only thing his father had given him that he'd ever somewhat treasured, as the mere thought of him now twisted his stomach into knots. His fingers traced the blue lines on the notebook paper he had in front of him and he sighed, listening to the sweet melody of silence and the addition of the song.

And just like that, his thoughts had finished and he could control again. The radio went static-y. He was free.

"Finally." It was more of a plea that expressed from his mouth as he picked up the pencil he'd tossed aside and began to attempt the paper once more. His mother's weaps were distant, and he could only imagine what was going through her mind. Not that any part of him wanted to go through what she was, losing the love of her life -

He stopped himself at that and crunched down on his lower lip, the teeth sinking in. His heart pumped wildly and his sweat stricken forehead somehow cooled. "Let's finish this," he urged himself on, trying his best not to lose control of himself. It was more a lose/lose battle on his part, he could fight against the enemy and lose, or he could forfeit and be known as a coward; but Nathaniel Archibald could do none, because his reality wasn't the truth of all truths.

It was Blair Waldorf, the only thing that he had realized that kept him sane.

--

Blair smiled; her best friend's efforts to keep her happy was the best she was going to get, she supposed. It had been a week, three days and a couple of hours since she had seen the pained look on his face as he left her apartment after he had practically begged to come back. _Home_. He'd said that he wanted to come back to the only place where he could call home, her heart. "Serena?"

The blond's fit of babbling – which she'd obviously gained from Humphrey Dumpty – stopped immediately as Blair's voice cut through. Her blue eyes shimmered, and she noticed the smile on her face. "Yeah?"

At a loss for words, suddenly, she hesitated. It wasn't like her not to know what to say, but whenever it came to him, it almost felt natural. _Almost._ She felt Serena's cold finger tips cover her own hand as she turned away, glancing at the fire in front of them. For the middle of April, the conditions were horrid. "I miss him."

The simple statement that had fell from her lips, so divine and careful, was the only thing Serena needed to know; the truth – what Blair didn't want people to know. The blond held back her squee and smiled slightly, they'd both been miserable without each other, and frankly not everyone enjoyed that. Especially Serena, who had to listen to the brunette's groans about how nothing would be the same anymore. It had never been the same. The boy that Blair had fallen in love with was still there, but she couldn't see clearly enough to realize it. "I know."

"Why is it this hard to say good bye?" Tears stung her eyes and she didn't dare wipe them away.

Serena shook her head and cupped her friend's cheek gently, lifting her gaze. "Because, in every fairytale, there's a beginning where everything's perfect, a middle, where everything fails, and an end, where the princess and prince live happily ever after."

Blair laughed, despite herself, at the reference to fairytales and engulfed Serena in a hug. "Thank you, S."

"Always, B."

--

"Shouldn't you be working on the paper? You remember? The one due tomorrow morning, first period?" Dan's voice cut through his daydream. He shook himself out of his thoughts and stared at the blank paper.

"I should be." He sighed.

"And you're not because?"

Nate's head shot up and he glared at Dan, who had pretty much made himself at home, as he usually did. "I'm pre-occupied."

"Aye, no need to bite my head off." Chuckling, Dan sat on the bed and stared at his friend, who usually had the sense god gave man to finish up a paper easily. He'd been distracted lately, and as stupid as he was trying to be with the subject, Dan knew exactly why he was the way he was. Without Blair, Nate had become a mess and there was only one way to cure it; his pride was far too gone to do that, though.

"It's okay." Nate's deadpanned voice murmured as he began sketching lines across the outer margin of the loose leaf he'd been trying to write on.

Dan nodded at his friend as his phone buzzed and he noticed Nate's head toss over; "my- uh. Serena." He bit his tongue, not to say _girlfriend. _The golden-haired boy that he'd only known personally for a year and a half seemingly took a toll of dread on that word. Dan's eyes read the text clearly for a few moments, sharing glances with the screen and Nate every few moments or so before he stood and shoved the device into his pocket, undermining the fact that he should reply. "We should get you outside."

"It's cold out there."

It wasn't the cold, he knew. And he knew that the guy that had proposed the deal in the first place knew it too. He just couldn't risk going out and finding himself spiraling into a world where everything around him reminded him of her sweet lips and lost brown eyes. Dismissing what his friend had asked him, he continued to sketch the lines, his head on a slant and his heart hanging on a thread. The last thing that connected him to Blair Waldorf.

Frustrated as he was, Dan kept his cool and hooked his hand under Nate's arm, prying him to his feet despite his groans and complaints. "Where are you taking me?" His angered voice snapped, and for once he was ashamed with his own peformance. Dan was only trying to help him through the heartache of losing the love-

He cut off the thought as he felt his feet give way and begin to walk to his door. He felt like reaching out and grasping at _anything._ A part of him wanted to refuse to Dan's face, but he remained calm and let himself fall under his friend's command. "We're taking you back to where it all started."

--

_Age 13. Blair Waldorf's birthday bash_

"UGH! Mother, this party was supposed to be perfect, my reign in society and you _ruined_ it." Blair screamed at her mother as her guests frolicked together on the dance floor and in between everywhere else. No one seemed to notice that Blair was missing, or the fact that she'd even been there. It was _her_ party, which was why it pissed her off. And her mother's interruption didn't help her mild temper.

"Now, Blair. Your mother meant no harm." Harold tried to comfort his daughter, but knew the chances of that were slim to none.

Blair sighed and pouted her lips. "Daddy, I asked Mother to do one thing and she couldn't even manage that." Shaking her head, she tossed a disapproving glance toward Eleanor and walked out into the once-upon-a-time ballet studio, sitting on one of the white blanket covered chairs. Her big day of becoming a teenager was over, and ruined. Nothing could of possibly made this day any worse than it already was. Her mother just _had_ to embarass her in front of all of her friends. It was stupidity, and for the most part, Blair was angered with the mere thought of having to share DNA with the woman.

Hearing the door creak open, a baby-faced male stepped in, someone she had never encountered before. Her head turned and she smiled. "I'm sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here." The boy apologized.

"No, it's fine." She said, the smile remaining. Beconing him to come closer, she could only merely see the edges of his face, as it was almost completely dark with the exception of the moonlight pouring into the windows. "My day was ruined anyway, a little bit of you couldn't harm it anymore, I'm sure."

"Blair Waldorf," he chuckled and she pondered why for a brief moment. "You have no idea who I am, do you?"

Blushing, she realized that she had never realized asked the unknown boy his name, and probably wouldn't of if he hadn't brought the thought up. "I'm sorry." She admitted.

"No shame at all, I actually wasn't invited. I came as a plus one for a Charles Bass." She wrinkled her nose at the name and sighed, shaking her head. The Bass boy had been after her since they were in kindergarten, and frankly she didn't see fit to let him go any further than he had tried.

The boy held out his hand to her and she raised her eyebrow, as if she were inspecting for germs. "What do you want me to do with it? Sanitize it?"

For the second time that night, he laughed and shook his head. "Nathaniel Archibald," he said as he grabbed her hand and shook it.

"Blair, oh there you are!" She felt like crawling in a hole and dying, her mother had perfect timing. Immediately letting go of Nate's hand, she frowned and stood. "Come on dear, they're lighting up your cake."

"I'll see you out there?" Blair asked Nate.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." And for the first time that evening, he smiled and she swore the room lit up in various ways. "Bye."

"Bye."

--

_Present day._

"Where are we going, S? You know I don't like surprises." They had been ruined at her 15th birthday party when her Dad's surprise had been that he was homosexual. But there she was, sitting in an unknown vehicle, tied and blind-folded. At least Serena knew what she would be like if it wasn't that way. "You know, if a police officer sees me like this, they'll think you're taking me hostage."

Serena's bubbly giggle filled her eyes and she bit her lip. "I've already sent out a thing to the police academy and officers that if they see a blond with a brunette who is tied and blind-folded, to let it slid because its only for a surprise."

"So if there's any other hostages they'll just go free?"

"I told them who we were. Now, no more questions. We'll be there in a second."

Blair coiled and groaned at the mere thought of where Serena was bringing them.

--

"This place is still around," Nate marveled as he ran his fingers over dusty beams, rubbing his fingers together not long after to remove the dust. "I'm surprised."

"Are you kidding?" Dan joked, finally replying to Serena's text. "Blair Waldorf had a birthday party here, this thing is monumental."

Nate faltered his laugh as the door opened and he had a flashback from when it was him that was coming in to meet the queen of the party so many years before. "Man, who is it? I thought you said nobody was here."

Feeling slightly guilty for not telling Nate the true reason behind why they were there, Dan turned away and pretended that he didn't hear what his friend had said. Serena opened the door and practically dragged Blair, who's hands were now free and the blind-fold still placed. Nate shot Dan a dirty look. "It had to be done."He mouthed.

"Serena, where the hell am I?" Blair spat. "Tell me before I have motion sickness."

Serena glanced between the two before she removed the black silk from her friend's eyes. "The ballet studio, I haven't been here in- Nate." The blond stepped back and she contemplated why Blair sounded so hostile. "Serena Van Der Woodsen. I swear to god if I had the strength I'd kill you right now."

Dan walked over by Serena, who's hand immediately clutched his as if she were scared that Blair would actually try to kill her. "We'll be leaving." He said, smiling in unison with Serena's bright one. The brunette pair glared at them both, but neither seemed to notice the hatred in their eyes as they walked out.

"Do you think they'll hate us?" Serena said softly. "I just reunited my friendship with Blair."

"Nah, once they realize that this is fate – like you and I – they'll be fine."

_Back inside_

"So. How have you been? Good, I suppose?" Nate's awkward voice tried to start the conversation, but failed. As good as Nate usually was with conversation, when it came to Blair, that conversation just didn't work.

"This is stupid." Blair seemed to take the words right out of his mouth as she stood up and rubbed her hands across her arms, staring out at the city from the window that so elegantly lit up the room with its glow. "Why those two just can't let things be is beyond me."

He fought every instinct in his body that said this was _right_. It felt _right, _and he knew it was. But evidently the abadonment of realizing it was better for them both. Deep inside, he knew Blair felt the same way, but her cold exterior was almost impossible to break through, even if deep inside he knew it was what he wanted. What he wanted was her, but he had found that in the days that they had spent apart, that it was better for her to stay away from him. She seemed more happy, less forced.

_It was all a lie._ Her thoughts plummetted into her mind as if they'd been hit by a bulldozer. She didn't listen to see if he was talking, even though her instincts told her that the silence was the only thing surrounding them both. It cut off circulation and brought sorrow, but for whatever reason, it was nice. She had never loved anyone like she had loved Nate, and the simple fact that they were never going to have their chance because life always got in the way was just a brick wall in front of them. She always faked a smile in front of him and pretended that everything was okay, even when it wasn't. She was miserable without him.

"I'm sorry." He sighed deeply and stuffed his hands in his pocket, glancing around the room. It looked like it had aged somehow, it was weird. "This is stupid." He could only lie to hide his feelings, he soon realized. If it was better for the both of them, then maybe he should accept it. _Better late than never, _he shrugged it off and glanced over at Blair, who's hand was tracing designs of random postures on the fogged glass.

She drew a picture of a heart, then crossed a jagged long through it and glanced at him, brown eyes shimmering with tears he knew that would never fall. "It's okay." She said, staring back out the window. Blair could tell that he was hiding something behind what his intention was, and contemplated for a minute whether to ask him or let the moment pass. Her decision was made as she stood and gracefully walked toward him. "It's not your fault, at all."

It was through the simple words that he knew where his heart belonged, and he was willing to fight as long as he knew the fight would end with her in his arms; it was the only way to be. Gently, he placed his hands against each side of her shoulder and brought her in close, brushing their lips together as quick as that. Blair didn't stiffen in his embrace, nor did she succumb to the pleasure. She melted into his arms and cupped his cheeks, kissing him back with just as much fervor as he had wanted to suppress.

Pulling away from their passionate embrace, she noticed the tinkle in his eye and the absolute joy in his smile. "I love you."

She smiled, almost too wide, and grabbed his hand gently. Through the assurance of his words, somehow it was sure that this time was for sure. He grinned, nearly from ear-to-ear and kissed her again, bringing her into his arms. "I love you, always have, and I guarantee, always will."

"I'm willing to fight." He murmured in response.

"You don't have to." They both smiled.

And they knew, this was home.


End file.
